Have you ever tried to leave a young child with a grandparent, nanny or at nursery, only to hear them cry, see them cling to your leg and look at you as if to say, ‘Don't go’?
If so, you are not alone. Separation anxiety is a common stage in children's development. It is helpful to understand when it falls within the expected range and when it may signal that a child needs additional support.
What exactly is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a natural developmental fear of being separated from the person to whom a child is most attached - usually their mother or father. It generally appears between 8 and 14 months of age and is an entirely healthy sign of forming a bond and a sense of security.
A child experiencing separation anxiety may:
- cry when the parent leaves,
- hold on tightly and not want to let go,
- not respond when other people try to play with them,
- protest loudly by screaming or becoming hysterical.
The source says that this stage usually resolves on its own by around the age of two. But what if it continues for longer?
Separation anxiety or already a disorder?
Many parents ask themselves this question. The truth is that older children, especially those who are more sensitive or shy, may also experience more difficult moments of separation. But if:
- are not easily soothed,
- do not want to take part in any activities without a parent,
- experience physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches without an obvious cause,
- are constantly worried that something will happen to the parent,
- anxiety and crying persist for many months,
…it may be appropriate to assess whether separation anxiety disorder could be present.
What Can Intensify Anxiety?
Although there is no single cause, various changes and stressors in a child’s life are known to affect the level of separation anxiety:
- a change of home or carer,
- the arrival of a sibling,
- tension at home – for example, arguments or financial problems,
- family factors, such as a history of anxiety disorders.
New situations that turn a child's familiar world upside down can make separations more difficult for them than before.
How Can You Manage It?
If your child is experiencing ‘typical’ separation anxiety, meaning the developmental kind, you do not need to seek specialist help straight away. Affection, consistency and a few simple rules are enough:
- Tell your child what is going to happen – where you are going, who will look after them and when you will return.
- Give your child time to become familiar with it: visit the new place together several times before leaving them there on their own.
- Do not disappear without saying goodbye - contrary to what you might think, this intensifies the anxiety.
- Remain calm - your confidence signals to the child that everything is all right.
- Say goodbye once, without drawing it out, but with warmth and affection.
- Build small successes – start with brief separations and gradually make them longer.
What If It Is Something More?
If the symptoms are intense, long-lasting and significantly affect the child’s day-to-day functioning, it is worth consulting a child psychologist. Therapy, most often in the form of cognitive behavioural therapy, can bring real relief to both your child and you. In some cases, when co-occurring disorders such as depression are present, a doctor may recommend medication, but this decision is always made very carefully and on an individual basis.
Separation anxiety in a child: when does it become a disorder?
A child may feel anxious or insecure when separated from a parent or primary caregiver. In some cases, severe separation anxiety can be accompanied by physical symptoms such as stomach ache, nausea or vomiting.
When separation anxiety is persistent and disproportionate, it can limit a preschool child's exploration of their surroundings. In school-age children, it may interfere with growing independence, learning and relationships with peers.
Although separation anxiety is a natural stage of development, when it becomes intense and prolonged and significantly affects a child's everyday functioning, it may indicate a disorder that requires specialist help.
You are not a bad mum or an overanxious dad if you are worried about how your child responds to separation. Separation anxiety is part of the path towards independence – a path that can sometimes be winding and bumpy. But with your calm, support and love, your child will find it much easier to navigate.