Returning to Work After Having a Baby: Where to Start
‘When the children suddenly ask to go on a day trip, or when my husband suggests going to the cinema at the last minute, I feel completely torn,’ Anna said. ‘When I go out with them, I feel guilty because I leave behind a pile of laundry, unpaid bills, an unfinished report, phone calls I have not made and dozens of other things I should be dealing with. When I say no to my children and husband, I also feel guilty that, instead of devoting more time to my family, I am doing something else and neglecting those closest to me. Either way, I feel bad; I no longer know how to get out of this situation.’ Reading this, women working two jobs are probably sighing in recognition, because they understand Anna's dilemma all too well.
They speak with concern about teaching standards in schools, the peers their children are friends with and the patterns of behaviour promoted by social media. They complain that they do not have enough time for everything they would like to do, and sometimes not even enough for what they believe they should do. They admit that they are losing their sense of balance and of time passing; successive days slip by unnoticed before they even have a chance to enjoy them. It is as though only children still have the right to joy and play….
- When did you last ride a bicycle?
- When did you last make art or create something from your own design with your own hands?
- When did you feel so happy that you laughed out loud?
- Have you removed such concepts as play and rest from your vocabulary?
- Is time your enemy?
A woman in paid employment faces the age-old dilemma of how much time to devote to work and how much to her family. Meyer Oberndorf
Many people spend their lives continually preparing to live.
Dr Paul Tournier
Trying to answer the question of what a perfect life is makes no sense, because absolute perfection is an illusion. We imagine that everything will fall perfectly into place when the children become independent, when we are promoted, when we change jobs or when we buy a larger, nicer home that is easier to maintain. When, when, when... Suddenly, we realise that twenty years have flown by and our life is still not perfect.
Over the years, as we overcame various obstacles in family and professional life, we accumulated a considerable body of experience that became the basis of a conflict-resolution strategy. Here are its stages.
- Identify the cause or area of conflict.
- Direct the attack at the problem, not the person.
- Listen to the other person's arguments. Taking a back seat may even be pleasant.
- Pay attention not only to what the other person says, but also to what they leave unsaid.
- Agree on an action plan.
- Test the plan.
- Support each other while carrying out the plan
- If necessary, review the assessment of the situation and renegotiate the terms.
Changing established habits usually requires more than making a resolution; it also involves motivation, willingness, opportunity and support. A crisis can prompt change, but it is not the only route and can also reduce a person's capacity to act.
Robert H. Waterman
Expectations versus reality
Some women want to do everything their own way because that is how they were raised. The height of their ambition and the most important criterion of self-esteem is being able to say: ‘I ironed all the shirts, cleaned the house, can earn the money for bread and bake it myself.’ Fair enough. If they do not feel tired, if their families do not suffer as a result and, above all, if they do not play the martyr…
A familiar principle in business is that employees who identify with an organisation's goals are more willing to work towards them. The source argues that this is most likely when they have a voice in setting those goals.
‘Guide a family as you would fry a small fish: very gently.’ Chinese proverb
‘Communication is not only words, images, mathematical symbols, equations and models; it is the relationships between people who want to escape loneliness, share experience and sow ideas.’ — William M. Marstellar
Start by defining your expectations. Ask every family member who is able to speak what they expect from the others in areas such as family bonds, shared meals, neat clothing, keeping the home tidy and so on.
When trying to encourage household members to work together, which is not at all easy, remember that the family may perceive this as a request to help with household tasks that must be completed according to your criteria and expectations — simply ‘your way’. If this happens, you need to adjust both the requirements and the way the tasks are carried out. It is then worth considering what your husband would like to achieve and what the children would like to achieve. When working as a team, will every household member be able to pursue their individual goals? You need to find ways of combining individual expectations with the whole family's main goal of maintaining a well-run home. Teamwork will then bring some benefit to everyone.
Emilia Adamczyk